Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
100 Ways To Avoid Dying
Research into centuries of American folklore has turned up 100 EASY ways of avoiding death by observing a few simple rules in everyday situations. These beliefs come from all over this country and were actually collected by students of folklore and anthropology.
None of them were made-up. Just remember: if you fail to observe these rules, we won't be responsible for the consequences!
HOUSEHOLD HINTS
1. Don't take ashes out of the fireplace or wood stove between Christmas and New Year's Day.
2. Never place a broom on a bed.
3. Close umbrellas before bringing them into a house.
4. Avoid sweeping after sundown.
5. You mustn't wash clothes on New Year's Day.
6. Don't shake out a tablecloth after dark.
7. Never wash a flag.
8. Don't turn a chair on one leg.
9. Keep cats off piano keys.
10. Don't hang a dishcloth on a door knob.
11. Sweeping under a sick person's bed will kill him or her.
12. Don't ever, ever rock an empty rocking chair.
RENOVATION AND DECORATING
13. Never add-on to the back of your house.
14. You mustn't cut a new window in an old house; the only way to avoid fatal consequences is to toss your apron through the new window, and then jump through it yourself.
15. Never drive a nail after sunset.
16. Don't move into an unfinished house.
17. Avoid carrying axes, shovels, and other sharp-edged tools through a house; if you must take one inside, always take it out by the same door.
18. If you move out of a house, don't move back into it for a year.
19. Don't hang your sweetheart's picture upside-down.
20. If a picture falls from the wall, don't pick it up.
21. Never carry a peacock's feather into a house.
22. Keep cut flowers out of bedrooms overnight.
23. Don't ever carry a bouquet of wildflowers indoors before May 1.
SEWING AND FASHION
24. If you cut out a new dress on Friday, you must finish it that same day.
25. Don't make new clothes between Christmas and New Year's Day.
26. Never hold a stick in your mouth while sewing.
27. Always sew cross-stitching on your underwear.
28. Don't walk around in one shoe.
29. If you see a will-o-wisp while out walking at night, turn your coat inside-out.
30. Never wear another's new clothes before they have worn them.
31. A woman who makes her own wedding dress will never live to wear it.
COOKING AND TABLE MANNERS
32. Never set three lamps on a table at the same time.
33. Don't set the table backwards.
34. Never serve 13 at a table.
35. Avoid drinking coffee at 5 o'clock.
36. You mustn't write on the back of a dish.
37. Never return borrowed salt.
38. Don't ever cross knives while setting the table.
39. Be sure that someone else cooks your birthday dinner.
40. Don't put two forks at one place setting.
41. Never, never turn a loaf of bread upside-down.
SLEEPING
42. Sleeping with your head at the foot of the bed is surely fatal.
43. Don't sing in bed.
44. If you hear a dog howl at night, reach under the bed and turn over a shoe.
45. Don't count stars.
46. A man should never dream of a naked woman; a woman should never dream of a naked man.(You know who you are...)
PERSONAL HYGIENE
47. Never rub soap on your skin on a Friday.
48. Don't look into a mirror over another's shoulder.
49. Avoid combing your hair after dark.
50. Absolutely no haircuts in March.
51. Let a baby's hair and fingernails grow until their 1st birthday.
52. Don't let two people comb your hair at once.
53. Never shave at night.
54. NEVER, EVER share a razor used by a dead man.
FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
55. Never hold a funeral on a Friday.
56. When a person dies in a house, you must immediately cover all mirrors and stop all clocks.
57. Children should not pretend to have funerals.
58. Don't ever try on a mourning veil.
59. Always remove a dead body from a house feet first.
60. Never ride in a hearse, unless you are the driver.
61. Don't count the cars in a funeral motorcade.
62. Avoid wearing new clothes to a funeral, especially new shoes.
63. Pull the shades in a room where a funeral is taking place; if the sun hits a mourner's face, he is the next to die.
64. When walking in a funeral procession, don't look backwards.
65. Never point at a grave.
66. Try not to step across a grave.
67. Never leave a grave open overnight.
68. Don't ever be the first to leave the graveyard after a funeral.
69. If a corpse lies unburied on Sunday, another in town will surely die soon.
70. Wait a year before putting up a tombstone for a family member; if you don't, another family member will go before the year has ended.
GENERAL AND MISCELLANEOUS
71. Drink May rainwater.
72. When sick, don't look in mirrors.
73. Don't give a person a peony.
74. Never measure your own height.
75. Try not to imagine it's Saturday when it's not.
76. Don't count cars on a passenger train.
77. Never whistle in a coal mine.
78. Avoid measuring a person who is lying down.
79. Don't walk backwards.
80. You mustn't allow a candle to burn itself out.
81. Never sell a dog.
82. Try not to kill a crow; but if you do, be sure to bury it while wearing black.
83. If you transplant a cedar tree, you will die by the time it is big enough to shade a grave.
84. The same is true of a willow tree.(as in 83)
85. Don't ever hang your hoe on a tree branch.
86. Don't skip a row when planting corn or beans.
87. If you watch a person out of sight, you'll never see them again.
88. Avoid stepping over a person who is lying down.
89. When your name is called, don't answer the first time-it may be the Devil calling you.
90. Never shake hands through a window or over a fence.
91. Try not to sit with your back to the fire.
92. Don't burn sassafras wood.
93. If you walk with your hands locked behind your head, it will kill your mother.
94. Don't even THINK of mocking an owl.
95. Don't store your shoes above your head.
96. Never kill a locust.
97. Never kill a lizard.
98. If you hear a hen crow, you must kill the hen.
99. If you are on a train when a woman boards, dressed in black, get off.
100. Whatever you do, don't let a lizard count your teeth.
http://www.almanac.com/content/100-ways-avoid-dying
None of them were made-up. Just remember: if you fail to observe these rules, we won't be responsible for the consequences!
HOUSEHOLD HINTS
1. Don't take ashes out of the fireplace or wood stove between Christmas and New Year's Day.
2. Never place a broom on a bed.
3. Close umbrellas before bringing them into a house.
4. Avoid sweeping after sundown.
5. You mustn't wash clothes on New Year's Day.
6. Don't shake out a tablecloth after dark.
7. Never wash a flag.
8. Don't turn a chair on one leg.
9. Keep cats off piano keys.
10. Don't hang a dishcloth on a door knob.
11. Sweeping under a sick person's bed will kill him or her.
12. Don't ever, ever rock an empty rocking chair.
RENOVATION AND DECORATING
13. Never add-on to the back of your house.
14. You mustn't cut a new window in an old house; the only way to avoid fatal consequences is to toss your apron through the new window, and then jump through it yourself.
15. Never drive a nail after sunset.
16. Don't move into an unfinished house.
17. Avoid carrying axes, shovels, and other sharp-edged tools through a house; if you must take one inside, always take it out by the same door.
18. If you move out of a house, don't move back into it for a year.
19. Don't hang your sweetheart's picture upside-down.
20. If a picture falls from the wall, don't pick it up.
21. Never carry a peacock's feather into a house.
22. Keep cut flowers out of bedrooms overnight.
23. Don't ever carry a bouquet of wildflowers indoors before May 1.
SEWING AND FASHION
24. If you cut out a new dress on Friday, you must finish it that same day.
25. Don't make new clothes between Christmas and New Year's Day.
26. Never hold a stick in your mouth while sewing.
27. Always sew cross-stitching on your underwear.
28. Don't walk around in one shoe.
29. If you see a will-o-wisp while out walking at night, turn your coat inside-out.
30. Never wear another's new clothes before they have worn them.
31. A woman who makes her own wedding dress will never live to wear it.
COOKING AND TABLE MANNERS
32. Never set three lamps on a table at the same time.
33. Don't set the table backwards.
34. Never serve 13 at a table.
35. Avoid drinking coffee at 5 o'clock.
36. You mustn't write on the back of a dish.
37. Never return borrowed salt.
38. Don't ever cross knives while setting the table.
39. Be sure that someone else cooks your birthday dinner.
40. Don't put two forks at one place setting.
41. Never, never turn a loaf of bread upside-down.
SLEEPING
42. Sleeping with your head at the foot of the bed is surely fatal.
43. Don't sing in bed.
44. If you hear a dog howl at night, reach under the bed and turn over a shoe.
45. Don't count stars.
46. A man should never dream of a naked woman; a woman should never dream of a naked man.(You know who you are...)
PERSONAL HYGIENE
47. Never rub soap on your skin on a Friday.
48. Don't look into a mirror over another's shoulder.
49. Avoid combing your hair after dark.
50. Absolutely no haircuts in March.
51. Let a baby's hair and fingernails grow until their 1st birthday.
52. Don't let two people comb your hair at once.
53. Never shave at night.
54. NEVER, EVER share a razor used by a dead man.
FUNERAL ETIQUETTE
55. Never hold a funeral on a Friday.
56. When a person dies in a house, you must immediately cover all mirrors and stop all clocks.
57. Children should not pretend to have funerals.
58. Don't ever try on a mourning veil.
59. Always remove a dead body from a house feet first.
60. Never ride in a hearse, unless you are the driver.
61. Don't count the cars in a funeral motorcade.
62. Avoid wearing new clothes to a funeral, especially new shoes.
63. Pull the shades in a room where a funeral is taking place; if the sun hits a mourner's face, he is the next to die.
64. When walking in a funeral procession, don't look backwards.
65. Never point at a grave.
66. Try not to step across a grave.
67. Never leave a grave open overnight.
68. Don't ever be the first to leave the graveyard after a funeral.
69. If a corpse lies unburied on Sunday, another in town will surely die soon.
70. Wait a year before putting up a tombstone for a family member; if you don't, another family member will go before the year has ended.
GENERAL AND MISCELLANEOUS
71. Drink May rainwater.
72. When sick, don't look in mirrors.
73. Don't give a person a peony.
74. Never measure your own height.
75. Try not to imagine it's Saturday when it's not.
76. Don't count cars on a passenger train.
77. Never whistle in a coal mine.
78. Avoid measuring a person who is lying down.
79. Don't walk backwards.
80. You mustn't allow a candle to burn itself out.
81. Never sell a dog.
82. Try not to kill a crow; but if you do, be sure to bury it while wearing black.
83. If you transplant a cedar tree, you will die by the time it is big enough to shade a grave.
84. The same is true of a willow tree.(as in 83)
85. Don't ever hang your hoe on a tree branch.
86. Don't skip a row when planting corn or beans.
87. If you watch a person out of sight, you'll never see them again.
88. Avoid stepping over a person who is lying down.
89. When your name is called, don't answer the first time-it may be the Devil calling you.
90. Never shake hands through a window or over a fence.
91. Try not to sit with your back to the fire.
92. Don't burn sassafras wood.
93. If you walk with your hands locked behind your head, it will kill your mother.
94. Don't even THINK of mocking an owl.
95. Don't store your shoes above your head.
96. Never kill a locust.
97. Never kill a lizard.
98. If you hear a hen crow, you must kill the hen.
99. If you are on a train when a woman boards, dressed in black, get off.
100. Whatever you do, don't let a lizard count your teeth.
http://www.almanac.com/content/100-ways-avoid-dying
I Do Not Look Like Mater
I Do Not Look Like Mater
My almost-four-year-old son is smitten with the camera on my iPhone. He takes any and all opportunities to swipe the phone from the coffee table or kitchen counter or from my hand to zero in on his favorite subjects around our apartment. Lately, these include the kitchen floor tiles, yogurt containers in the recycling, and the scratched up surface of my dining table. He also loves taking pictures of us.
One evening last week, Henry and I were alone in the living room. His sisters were in their bedroom reading with my husband.
“Cheese,” Henry said to me, pointing the familiar miniature lens at my face.
“Cheese,” I said, smiling at him. I continued thumbing through the Pottery Barn catalog.
“Mommy?” My sweet little boy asked me. “Mommy?”
“Yes honey. What is it?” I didn’t look up.
“You look like Mater.”
“What?” I looked at him.
There are not many parents unfamiliar with Mater from the Disney Cars movies. But in case you’ve forgotten what Mater looks like, here he is.
“What do you mean?” I asked my darling. Sweet. Boy.
“When you open your mouth. You look like Mater.”
I replied:
Over the past couple of years, I have thought about getting those invisible braces. I am always a little self-conscious of my slightly crooked front teeth. BUT I DID NOT THINK I LOOKED LIKE MATER.
“Yes you do. In your mouth you do.”
This conversation was worse than all my years of junior high. “How does Mommy look like Mater? I do not look like Mater.”
“Mommy?”
Oh God. “Yes, Henry?”
“Can we watch Cars?”
Later when the kids were all asleep, and my husband and I were in the kitchen fixing dinner for ourselves, I looked at him, very seriously, and asked. “Do I look like Mater?”
Before he could answer, I whined, “Henry said I look like Mater.”
“Oh.” He filled a pot with water.
“I don’t look like Mater!”
He laughed. “No, I know why he said that…”
“Please tell me,” I pleaded.
“We were playing with Mr. Potato Head today. And we were putting the different teeth in place and I was saying that all the teeth are like Mater’s.”
Could I buy this? Should I buy this?
“…And Henry kept repeating that ‘teeth are like Mater.’ That’s what he meant.”
I stared at him.
“C’mon. Really.” He opened the pasta as we waited for water to boil. “You do not look like Mater.”
Satisfied, I turned to walk into the living room. I stopped and threw out my final question, “You’d tell me if I looked like Mater, right?”
I read this on her blog and found it so funny I just had to share it. I hope you will enjoy it too. The link to her blog is listed below.
http://ironicmom.com/2013/02/06/mater/
How Babies Are Made
Canadian
photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining his
kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandra Denis’
pregnancy, the artist created funny
explanatory photo series titled “How to Make a Baby”. The creative
couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole period
of 9 months, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra’s
belly expanded.
The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and the stork stories.
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. 2 Thess 3:16
Wax Dipped Toilet Paper with Camouflage and a Shotgun Shell
For the Hunter. Wax Dipped Toilet Paper with camouflage and a shotgun shell - Available in over 20 scents. Yes it really is a roll of toilet paper dipped in scented wax. Just set out. Do not place directly on wood. Heat from the room gives off the scent. Lasts 4-6 months. Then use a blowdryer to renew scent. Can be used in any room in the house. Often mistaken for a candle. Safe to have around kids, animals, and husbands because we will knock them off, but they won't break.
Found this on Pinterest!
Crazy Friends
This is to my best friend, you know who you are and I won't mention any names! Love ya Sis!
New Wine For Seniors
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...
California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...
California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
Thought this was cute
I saw this and thought it was cute so I'm gonna share it with ya'll. Deer season just opened in MS today(Nov.19th), it's been open some time in TX I think. I'm not sure about anywhere else.
I hope you like it.
It is good to be a woman...
1.We got off the Titanic first
2.We can scare male bosses with mystery gynecological disorder excuses
3.Taxis stop for us
4.We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing
5.No Fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the speedo
6.We don't have to pass gas to amuse our selves
7.If we forget to shave,no one has to know
8.We can congratulate our teammate with out even touching her rear end
9.We do not have to reach down every so often to make sure our private parts are still there 10.We have the ability to dress ourselves
11.We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked
12.If we marry someone 20 years younger,we are aware that we will look like an idiot
13.We will never regret piercing our ears
14.There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems
15.We can make comments about how silly men are in there presence because they aren't listening anyways
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